Ok, so the birthday sucked BIG TIME but…

ImageI have been living in a daze far too long, and with another year on earth and another major disappointment came the realization (once again) that I don’t have to live this way!  I can make changes, I can choose to be happy, and organized, and successful.  But those desires are not going to just present themselves in my life, I have to work hard at it.  I have to “make better choices”, as I always tell my kids.  So tonight, instead of staying logged on til 11PM working from home, and them playing Candy Crush for an hour, I’m going to bed in five minutes.  And last night, when what I really wanted to do was party it up, I came home and went to bed at 11 so that I could wake early enough to go to Sunday service.  Good thing too!  Sermon was ALL ABOUT ME!!!  This song they sang went straight to the point – I have to sacrifice my life, be an example, give up my pride, so that it can be of good for HIM!  And when we prayed, it was for our friends – today, it’s Kristi’s one year anniversary of her death.  And yet i STILL don;t know why she died.  But God knows what’s in our hearts before even we do – she may be gone, but I’m still here!  And i still have time to change my life, to create a better one for Iris and Nasir, for myself!  I can still put that degree to good use, I can still lose 20, 30, even 100 pounds!  And I can still be the greatest mom in the world, maybe even find me a husband lol!  Because I’M STILL HERE and God still has a purpose in my life!  So no more waiting around on my family, for them to end up ruining my plans.  No more being quiet when my nephew – or anyone else – bullies my kids.  No more sitting on the sidelines of MY OWN LIFE!  It’s time i start writing my own story again, and God’s gonna help me do that!  I don’t know how I’m going to do this and not piss off some people, but I guess I will deal with that when I get there.  For now, one thing at a time.  Yesterday, it was foregoing staying up watching TV.  Today, it’s that and also the bookcase.  And every day, I will add something new.  Until my life is running the way it should, the way I want, and the way HE wants!  I might rant some more on here until I figure out what I’m even really talking about – I’m still not sure if I can keep the momentum I feel right now – but all I can do is try.  And if I stall at some point, I just pray HE gives me the will and strength to get on my list of priorities and keep going.  Ok, enough for now.  I need my beauty sleep if I’m going to be alert and productive tomorrow!!!

 

R/I/P Kristi…  I love you and I know you are watching down on me…

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Happy birthday to me…

Well, it’s officially my 37th birthday! Yeah, I should be happy, partying, celebrating. But I’m none of those. Instead, I’m puffing on a cancer stick thinking about all the reasons NOT to go out and celebrate. I’m still not at a weight I’m satisfied with, I don’t have money to splurge, I don’t have cute clothes, and I’m not comfortable leaving my kids with my sister in law and risk my nephew teasing them. He’s what some might consider a bully. How can I be so selfish? I mean, if my life is all about them, then I should sacrifice my happiness, right? Dammit! Life used to be so simple. Wanna go to the club tonight, Wanda? Hell yeah let’s go! Not anymore 😥 Will it ever be that way again? I sure hope so… Deep down there’s still a party girl waiting to break free!

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I strive to achieve this!

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Night & day, yin & yang, Nas & Iris…

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Becoming a mom

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Hackers said to have attacked WordPress blogs

Hackers said to have attacked WordPress blogs – http://pulse.me/s/kz3fD

Strong enough!

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